What Not To Expect At MacWorld

Rumors continue to fly about the possible announcements for MacWorld San Francisco this week. From the proverbial iPod Phone to an Apple/Google merger, the internet is ready for just about anything, and everyone will surely take credit for predicting something correctly (just to join in on that, I, like lots of people, lamely predict that we will see new versions of iLife and iWorks. Woot!).

But the point of this post isn’t to speculate any further. It is to lay to rest any small dreams you may have had about the possibility of the following products being released by Apple now or ever. What follows below is a list of items NOT to expect at MacWorld 2007. Or MacWorld Anything Ever. EVER. Enjoy, folks.
  1. iPatch - Designed solely for pirates and those annoying hipsters who pretend to be pirates, the iPatch is worn over the left eye and provides seamless integration with the television set, allowing the playing of shows, movies, and commercials - even from the web. Why it won’t be there: Safety tests have demonstrated that in extreme usage cases, the iPatch causes severe lazy eye. Additionally, test users have mistakenly assumed that the iPatch prevents pregnancy or will assist in quitting smoking.
  2. Big Mac Mini - With an Intel Core 2 Duo processor, this tiny desktop is fast food at its most elegant. This wonderful, affordable computer targeted towards working class families sadly won’t make the cut because of New York City’s recent ban on Trans Fats. Though Apple is a company well-known for cutting out features from its products, they felt that the Trans Fat was necessary to maintain a certain level of aesthetic wonderment.
  3. MacBook Ho - In a drastic reversal from the direction taken by MacBook Pro, which tended to get really, really HOT, the MacBook Ho ended up being quite the opposite. Test users were left frigid, sadly unfulfilled, and disgusted, with a few cases of what reports are calling a “virus.” These machines are apparently unstable, have an inconsistent user interface, and are bad, bad, bad mothers and role models for young girls in particular. Consequently - no MacBook Ho. At least not until Apple can clean up its act on this one.