10 Signs You’re An Axe Murderer

  1. You own a Windows PC
    Given that Windows controls 95% of the computer market, and a vast majority of axe murderers have computers for searching out their victims on MySpace, you’re much more likely to be an axe murderer who uses Microsoft Word than a MacHead (as crazy as they might be, it’s more of a crazy-weird, than crazy-homicidal). Sure, having Windows might not cause you to be an axe murderer, but it could work the other way around. Meaning, you, as an axe murderer might be inexplicably drawn to Windows. This is all there in the statistics - there should be no disputing this fact.
  2. You own an axe
    Not necessary, but very possible.
  3. Your mother is ugly
    That’s not really a sign. I’m just saying that. Dude, she is ugly.
  4. You listen to any of the following bands:
    Phish, Dave Matthews Band, Radiohead, Widespread Panic, The Grateful Dead, U2
  5. You are a vegan
    I mean seriously - eww. Meat eaters don’t kill with axes because they know they’ll be unable to salvage parts.
  6. You have a MySpace account using your real name
    Because you are sly enough to know that young girls won’t “friend” you if you don’t seem real and sketchy. Plus, everyone knows that law enforcement pays no attention to MySpace.
  7. You watched Gigli all the way through
    Dude, you know that’s just a major red flag. You could be more dangerous than Hitler.
  8. When you were little, you had a goldfish named “Goldy”
    Or some other animal named whatever color it was. Major no-no if your list of pets includes one named “Blackie”
  9. You’ve ever commented on a video on YouTube
    Creep. Copyright disrespecter. Pirate. Lost addict.
  10. You have, have ever had, or know someone who has a LiveJournal
    ’nuff said.