10 Ways To Beat The Heat This Summer

Summer is hot. And that sucks. Beaches are lame.

Here are 10 great ways to spend your summer if you agree that hours in the scalding-hot sun spent getting sand in all of your unmentionable crevices is NOT a good time.

Note: If you are into that, I suggest you try these out anyway because there is likely something seriously wrong with you.
  1. Buy a portable air conditioner. Buy a small generator and use it to run the A/C. Buy one of those rolly carts people use for their oxygen tanks. Lock yourself in your house. Call Al Gore and apologize. Love every minute of it.

  2. Go to Target. Bring a few limes, a bag of ice, some rum, some mint, some sugar, and some club soda. Pick out a nice set of tall glasses from their housewares section. Sit at the umbrella’d table which is part of their summer porch display. Muddle, pour, squeeze, mix, drink, sigh - and repeat. Sunglasses optional.

  3. Buy blocks of ice from the corner store. Leaving them inside of the bag, place one block under each of your couch cushions. Take a nap.

  4. Fill an old Windex or Febreeze bottle with liquid nitrogen. Spray yourself as needed. The best part is you just recycled plastic!

  5. I hate to advocate buying anything but the most premium ice cream, but if you want to stay cool, non-fat frozen yogurt is the way to go this summer. It has a much colder “mouth feel” due to the lack of solid butterfats that make real ice cream taste so delicious. Buy a few pints and eat them. Dude, you just lost weight, too!

  6. Fill the bathtub with ice cubes. Turn on the hot water. The ice cubes will melt pretty quickly (endothermically), meaning a ton of absorbed heat from your body. Cooooool. Just don’t stay in too long, and don’t try this shower-style.

  7. Sneak into the kitchen of a big restaurant, and hide from the head chef inside the walk-in freezer.

  8. Sit in your kitchen drinking a nice glass of fresh lemonade while thinking of the children in Africa. (Sorry!)

  9. Ride the 4 Train all day. At only $2, that’s way cheaper than parking at the beach!

  10. Open your refrigerator and freezer doors and stand in the kitchen. Duh.