100 Reasons Not To Buy An iPhone

Yeah, this is painful for me, too.
  1. Price - $499 or $599 with a 2-year who-knows-how-much data plan.
  2. AT&T - Which wireless company sucks the most? Some say it’s these guys.
  3. EDGE - Instead of faster 3G technology. If you don’t have Wi-Fi hotspots, you’re kinda screwed.
  4. No Flash - This means it’s not the “real” make-you-have-a-seizure Web.
  5. No Java - This has something to do with coffee but I don’t really get it.
  6. No iChat - I guess some people still aren’t cool enough to use GMail.
  7. iTunes Lock-in - Oh wait, I forgot you don’t pay for your music.
  8. No Keyboard - This means it’s hard to type.
  9. Screen - It will be hard to see in daylight.
  10. No Office - Lack of MSWord makes me cry.
  11. No Real Apps - Because I, unlike most people, actually know the difference.
  12. Smudges - My fingers are way greasy.
  13. Scratches - I can’t keep my keys away.
  14. No Games - Well there’s that rumor about Nintendo, but otherwise, what am I supposed to do with this thing?
  15. No Song Sharing - You mean the Zune is better than the iPhone?
  16. Ugly - I don’t like shiny.
  17. No Mirror - Can’t really take emo self-portraits now can I?
  18. No Yahoo Maps - Because even though Google Maps is better, where’s the choice? Fascist!
  19. aka Jesus Phone - Uh...discrimination against Jews.
  20. I’m Fat - Okay, I’m not, but what if you are?
  21. Only 4 or 8 GB - My por...ahem...my music collection is much too large.
  22. Viruses - I can browse to a site that could infect my iPhone, and when I sync it to my PC I’ll get a virus. Sure, I could avoid that site like I do on my home computer, but still!
  23. No Wi-Fi Downloads - I absolutely MUST be able to listen to Shakira at a moment’s notice!
  24. I Have A Phone - It was only $30 and works just fine.
  25. I Have An iPod - It’s an 8GB Nano and works just fine.
  26. I Have An Internet - So there.
  27. Touch Screen Sucks - No one has ever made a good touchscreen. No reason to think they’d start now.
  28. Apple’s Never Made A Phone - WTF do they know? Nokia, Samsung, etc have been making phones for years now and they still suck - how could Apple possibly do better?
  29. I Use T-Mobile - Switching to AT&T costs money.
  30. No Internet Underground - Taking the subway to work means no online access when I’d most want to use it.
  31. Lack Of Tactile Feedback - Means I can’t text while driving. Cause that’s a good idea.
  32. Sealed Battery - I can’t change it myself. Lame.
  33. Too Big - I like my itty bitty Nano, thank you very much.
  34. Ajax Sucks - It is the scourge of the Internet
  35. The Zune Is Cooler
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Got any more? I need someone to pull me back. I’m afraid I can’t resist on my own...