Yahoo Says No.

This morning, Yahoo officially rejected the proposed buyout by Microsoft, as was rumored last Friday. “Not enough money, Honey.” seems to be the reason, and I can’t help but think that this makes Microsoft look a little silly. The very public, very large, and seemingly hostile offer has exploded in their face. Yahoo plays Hardball. Who woulda thunk it?

Talk has been flying that Yahoo will go to Google for help, or even merge with AOL. The Times is saying that analysts predict Microsoft will scrounge up an additional $5 -12 billion (between seat-cushions) to match Yahoo’s wonderfully confident self-valuation, or take the bid directly to Yahoo shareholders, who will have a hard time turning down cold, hard, Monopoly money.

Interesting and interestinger.

Microsoft Wants Yahoo

Everyone is talking about the $44.6 billion that Microsoft has offered up to purchase Yahoo, so that means I’m obligated to add my two cents.

Stowe Boyd has a good take that I pretty much agree with:

Personally, I think the Microsoft and Yahoo matchup is like two tired swimmers who bump into each other and then wind up drowning each other in their scramble to survive. But Yahoo will be the first to go under in this embrace.
...
Just smells like this decades AOL/Time matchup. It will go through. Microsoft will remove one competitor, but it won't work. It won't be enough to stop the future.

The big question I have is, “What will happen to the many overlapping services like Mail and Search?” Will they be combined, will both continue to exist, or what? What I haven’t been able to figure out from what has been written about this merger is exactly what the nature of it will be. Both Microsoft and Yahoo (especially) have suffered from the inability to focus their online offerings - spreading themselves thin, and expanding their services with little rhyme or reason - in my opinion. What happens to stuff like Flickr and Del.icio.us when Microsoft buys Yahoo? That worries me a little. It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Does Google have anything to fear if this deal goes through? A little bit, sure. They’ll lose some Search market share, have a harder time gaining traction for Google Apps (if MS Office Live ever happens), become slightly less of a de facto standard in online advertising. But it seems to me that they have their eyes on something else entirely, and are gradually moving into a new, uncharted space that no one has figured out just yet.

My impression is that Microsoft and Yahoo are competing with Google, but Google is looking elsewhere, competing only with “Possibility.”

And keep your eye on Amazon. They just doubled their profit, announced they are buying Audible, and their web services division is rapidly becoming hugely important to modern internet applications and services.

Man, 2008 is going to be fascinating. Welcome to February. Don’t get too comfortable.

BREAKING: Microsoft Rips Off Companies Other Than Apple!

This was the easiest Photoshop job ever.

Microsoft’s slogan for the new Zune 2 is “You Make It You.” The second part of that, which was removed at some point in the committee-run design process, was “We Make It Like Somebody Else.”

This time around, the fabled Redmond Photocopiers (great video by David Pogue here, by the way) turned their lasers on South Korean wireless handset-maker LG Electronics and its popular(?) “Chocolate” mobile phone. If we’re being generous (really generous), we’ll say that Microsoft did this on purpose so that fashion-forward (that term seems so inappropriate here) gadgeteers can purchase a music player that matches their cellphone (that, uh, already plays music). I guess it was too hard for Microsoft to copy the curves of iPhone, even though pretty much everyone else is doing it (check Gizmodo or Engadget for frequent cases of this phenomenon).

Gosh, can no one design their own gadget these days?

Just one more reason not to buy a Zune this Christmas (or EVER).

Special thanks to my one true human love for pointing this out to me last week, and to Microsoft for being exceedingly easy to mock.

Reasons Not To Buy A Zune This Christmas: 2007

To commemorate last night’s official announcement of the next generation of Microsoft’s Zune music player (not available until mid-November!), here is an updated version of my popular post from last year, “Reasons Not To Get A Zune This Christmas.” Changes are in red, and replacements have been stricken.

First, a little primer: This week Microsoft released generation 2 of their Zune music player in order to directly compete with Apple’s commanding lead in the personal audio market. They still want some of that big, big pie that Apple made not too many years ago, and has, for the most part, kept all to itself. The Zune is the most recent in the long list of supposed failed “iPod Killers”, and honestly, if any company could kill the iPod, it would probably be Microsoft Apple itself. But never fear Apple faithful - I simply do not see that happening anytime soon. But we haven’t reached the commentary phase yet. I am still being objective. So back to the point - what is the Zune? Simply put, it is a portable music player that comes with an 80GB hard drive (and a 4 and 8GB iPod Nano-like version). It has a three (point two!)-inch color screen, plays video, shows your photos, and allows Wi-Fi transferring of songs to other Zune players nearby (and synching with your computer). The Zune comes in three four colors - white, black, green, pink, and brown red, and is controlled by what looks like an iPod clickwheel a feminine hygiene product but is actually just four directional buttons on a circular disc a touch-sensitive directional hygiene product. Microsoft has created updated the Zune Marketplace - like the iTunes Store - for purchasing your music (and later, movies). There is also jukebox/syncing software that lets you manage playlists and listen to music on your PC (it is not currently still not Mac-compatible). Oh, and FM radio, I guess. Woo.

Okay, enough of the unbiased description. Now is where the review part of the review happens. Disclosure: I do not have a Zune. I have not seen or touched one in person. I touched one. It was traumatic. If you want to send me one to do a more proper “review” please go right ahead. I can be contacted at kevin at frivolousmotion dot com. What this means is I am speaking nothing but the truth. Buy a Zune at your own risk, but not after reading this review all the way through. If you don’t, you will regret it. And, even if you do read it, and decide “Hey, it doesn’t sound that bad,” you’ll probably regret it. You will most certainly still regret it.

So here goes. I am now going to abandon paragraphs and things for the super-popular list format.

1. Brown? What?!! What kind of retro-hipster freaks are you targeting Brown to? Are you planning on making Zune the “Official Media Player of the UPS” for crying out loud?! Eww.
   They killed Brown. No more poop jokes. Now, just Maxi Pad jokes (see above).
2. It is bigger than the current iPod (even compared to the 80GB 160GB version).
3. It is heavier than the current iPod (even compared to the 80GB 160GB version).
4. It has a shorter battery life than the current iPod (which doesn’t even begin to approach the 24-hour life of the new iPod Nano). I haven’t heard any battery life claims yet.
   
5. Crippled Wi-Fi sharing that restricts shared music to three plays or three days before deactivating and prompting you to purchase it. This applies even if you are the artist who recorded the song and want to share it with your Zune-carrying friends, and even though the Zune Marketplace will be filled with DRM-free music. Someone else said, “Microsoft puts the DRM in DRM-free.”
   

   Corollary to 5: Where are you going to find someone else with a Zune so that you can share? Are you seriously going to approach a stranger and try to send them the newest Timberlake tune? Do you want that random guy/girl on the subway to punch you in the face? (Worst pickup line of the new millenium: Is that a Zune in your pocket...) But seriously, for Microsoft to make the main feature of the device (the file sharing) something that relies completely on the device becoming ubiquitous is a major gamble. Without it, the Zune is basically a bigger, less pretty, and more socially irresponsible iPod.

6. What looks like a clickwheel ain’t a clickwheel. It is a multidirectional click pad (four poles, plus center) that works in a context-sensitive way context- and touch- sensitive panty liner. What does that mean? It means that you won’t always know what to push to do what you want. Sometimes left will go back a song, sometimes it might changes menus, sometimes it might vote for Al Gore. Not cool. And because you have to flip the player on its side to watch video, that means the directions switch by 90 degrees. Confused yet?
7. Wait, you have to turn it to watch videos? Whatever, I do this on iPhone and it’s not a big deal.
   
8. Installing the Zune sucks.
   
9. You can’t use real money in the Zune Marketplace. You have to buy blocks of points (79 points equals 99 cents - easy conversion, right?) in increments of $10 (starting at $5 for 400 points). How much music do you have to buy to totally use up all your points? I won’t do the math, but the answer is: A lot.
10. The application crashes all the time. Hopefully not anymore!
    
11. If you buy a subscription plan (something like $15 a month lets you listen to unlimited tracks - though you can’t burn them to disc or keep them if you stop your subscription), certain tracks from what sounds like a lot of albums aren’t available. Meaning, you need to plop down at least five bucks to purchase the popular tunes individually. That is not cool. EDIT: I have no gripe about the subscription model - lots of places do it like that. But disabling certain songs unless you purchase them individually is not cool.
    
12. None of the songs you bought in the iTunes store are playable on the Zune.
13. None of the songs you bought for other players via Microsoft’s OWN PlayForSure format are playable on the Zune. This is absolutely insane.
14. It doesn’t have calendars, contacts, podcasts, notes, games, etc. Not that I use those, but for some people those things are big. Sound the sirens! Zune supports podcasts!
    
15. Lots of the album art is too small for the screen, and it looks bad when scaled.
16. No Mac support. I suppose it could work if you have a new one and can boot XP from it. But I’m not sure about that. This is an oversight that goes way beyond competition, and way beyond PC marketshare. There’s a lot of potential users (Zunies? Zunesters? Zuners? Zunesketeers?) who happen to use Macs at home, and may have older-gen iPods and looking for a replacement. And what about all the people who have recently switched to Mac after trying and loving an iPod? Doesn’t MS want to win them back? Guess not.
17. No small version. The iPod Nano is the biggest selling mp3 player, and the iPod didn’t really start to take off until the Mini was released. Why couldn’t Microsoft have developed a cute little device for the kiddies?
    
18. EDIT: No true smart playlists. Way to give power users the boot. I guess these are just ultra-hidden.

EDIT - I just read this on O’Reilly:

Feel uncomfortable with Microsoft's watching your every move in Zune? Opt out. Say "No." Stand up for your rights.

Unless you make the affirmative choice to keep Microsoft out, you are by default enrolled in Microsoft's "Zune Customer Experience Improvement Program." This program assumes you want to improve Microsoft's bottom line (and nosiness) by allowing it to monitor your Zune software usage.

There’s more, but for now I think that will suffice. Maybe if I actually try one out I’ll post some more thoughts. Ultimately, I think this is a case of too little - too late (again). Microsoft has introduced another line of less-functional, less powerful versions of a mega-popular product, and included basically no innovations only one innovation that is seriously crippled to begin with! If they had truly wanted to compete with Apple for a share of the market, we should have seen a cool-looking device (the new ones look much better than the first generation, but that’s only because they look a lot more like iPods now) that offered more disk space with a slimmer profile, better syncing, more options and features, even cheaper music(!) and eliminated some of the crazy DRM that pisses me off about Apple from time to time. Instead MS has agreed to pay Universal a dollar for every Zune sold. Clearly they aren’t bending over backwards for the consumers (as Apple appears to do by fighting to keep prices stable) - it looks like the opposite, in fact, and anything that doesn’t immediately suggest that Microsoft is a full year or more behind Apple and playing a ridiculously flawed game of catch-up.

Please don’t get anyone a Zune for Christmas. If they ask for one (which they might, poor souls), say it is too much money (which it is) and buy them something else cool. Then, sneak a fabulous iPod Shuffle in their stocking (only $79 and awesome! I’ve touched it, so I know.) Really. Don’t make this a bad Christmas for anyone.

Buying a Zune = Coal in your stocking next year and Baby Jesus Crying.

Still true. Don’t be tempted.

Big Ugly Fonts: Arial

This is the first post in a new series here on Frivolous Motion called Big Ugly Fonts.

The first on the chopping block is our old friend Arial.

Arial, designed in 1982 for Monotype Typography, is widely used on modern computers, and is quite commonly found on web pages, due to it being “bundled” with both Windows and Mac operating systems.

Letting the typeface speak for itself, this is what’s embedded in the OpenType file:

Contemporary sans serif design, Arial contains more humanist characteristics than many of its predecessors and as such is more in tune with the mood of the last decades of the twentieth century. The overall treatment of curves is softer and fuller than in most industrial style sans serif faces. Terminal strokes are cut on the diagonal which helps to give the face a less mechanical appearance. Arial is an extremely versatile family of typefaces which can be used with equal success for text setting in reports, presentations, magazines etc, and for display use in newspapers, advertising and promotions.

Much controversy surrounds this ubiquitous typeface, with the bulk of it stemming from Microsoft deciding not to license the much higher-quality Helvetica (with whom it shares nearly identical glyph width, weight, and proportion) for use in its Windows operating system. Arial is a poor knock-off, a double-copy, in fact, as it was originally designed as a slightly modified (to be more screen-readable) version of Monotype Grotesque.

One look at Arial’s uppercase R confirms suspicions that this typeface was vomited up by Helvetica’s quadriplegic, ADHD, paranormal schizophrenic little sister.

Check out this horrific font in giganticized glory below. Just try not to vomit on your keyboard.




In conclusion: Millions of Helvetica characters have been eradicated by this abomination.

Don’t be a Helveticaust denier.

Stop using Arial!

This Explains A Lot: Zune Edition

From FSJ reader Sam: (Here is something to help explain that, if necessary)

And as an extra bonus, here’s an iPhone Wallpaper that I made (and which I am using right now):

Windows Users Bring Skype To Its Knees

Last Thursday, popular VoIP application Skype suffered a serious outage, prompting even more serious outrage at the service that has become critical to many small businesses and freelancers. eBay, the company that owns Skype, lost some serious market cap due to the outage, and we were once again reminded of the danger of putting ones eggs in a single basket.

But Skype is back up-and-running (and a pretty awesome service, I must admit), and this morning they have published an official statement about the cause of the outage.

Turns out the problem was “triggered by a massive restart of our users’ computers across the globe within a very short timeframe as they re-booted after receiving a routine set of patches through Windows Update.”

That’s right - Windows broke Skype.

Stupid jerks.

100 Reasons Not To Buy An iPhone

Yeah, this is painful for me, too.

1. Price - $499 or $599 with a 2-year who-knows-how-much data plan.
2. AT&T - Which wireless company sucks the most? Some say it’s these guys.
3. EDGE - Instead of faster 3G technology. If you don’t have Wi-Fi hotspots, you’re kinda screwed.
4. No Flash - This means it’s not the “real” make-you-have-a-seizure Web.
5. No Java - This has something to do with coffee but I don’t really get it.
6. No iChat - I guess some people still aren’t cool enough to use GMail.
7. iTunes Lock-in - Oh wait, I forgot you don’t pay for your music.
8. No Keyboard - This means it’s hard to type.
9. Screen - It will be hard to see in daylight.
10. No Office - Lack of MSWord makes me cry.
11. No Real Apps - Because I, unlike most people, actually know the difference.
12. Smudges - My fingers are way greasy.
13. Scratches - I can’t keep my keys away.
14. No Games - Well there’s that rumor about Nintendo, but otherwise, what am I supposed to do with this thing?
15. No Song Sharing - You mean the Zune is better than the iPhone?
16. Ugly - I don’t like shiny.
17. No Mirror - Can’t really take emo self-portraits now can I?
18. No Yahoo Maps - Because even though Google Maps is better, where’s the choice? Fascist!
19. aka Jesus Phone - Uh...discrimination against Jews.
    
20. I’m Fat - Okay, I’m not, but what if you are?
21. Only 4 or 8 GB - My por...ahem...my music collection is much too large.
22. Viruses - I can browse to a site that could infect my iPhone, and when I sync it to my PC I’ll get a virus. Sure, I could avoid that site like I do on my home computer, but still!
23. No Wi-Fi Downloads - I absolutely MUST be able to listen to Shakira at a moment’s notice!
24. I Have A Phone - It was only $30 and works just fine.
25. I Have An iPod - It’s an 8GB Nano and works just fine.
26. I Have An Internet - So there.
27. Touch Screen Sucks - No one has ever made a good touchscreen. No reason to think they’d start now.
28. Apple’s Never Made A Phone - WTF do they know? Nokia, Samsung, etc have been making phones for years now and they still suck - how could Apple possibly do better?
29. I Use T-Mobile - Switching to AT&T costs money.
30. No Internet Underground - Taking the subway to work means no online access when I’d most want to use it.
31. Lack Of Tactile Feedback - Means I can’t text while driving. Cause that’s a good idea.
32. Sealed Battery - I can’t change it myself. Lame.
33. Too Big - I like my itty bitty Nano, thank you very much.
34. Ajax Sucks - It is the scourge of the Internet
35. The Zune Is Cooler
36. The Zune Is Cooler
37. The Zune Is Cooler
38. The Zune Is Cooler
39. The Zune Is Cooler
40. The Zune Is Cooler
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100. The Zune Is Cooler

Got any more? I need someone to pull me back. I’m afraid I can’t resist on my own...

Saying Something Nice About Microsoft

I’m not going to lie (even by omission) - what Microsoft (shudder) announced last night sounds awesome.

They’re calling it Surface, and that’s exactly what it is: a surface. More precisely, it is an entry into a new product category - not a tablet PC, but a table PC. Microsoft Surface is basically a glorified coffee table that uses what looks like a pretty high-quality multi-touch interface that lets you draw, move around photos and resize them, and interact with the display in a ton of ways using different gestures. It’s not for the typical home consumer, that’s for sure, but I can see it being a cool conversation piece for the wealthy, and perhaps effective in some office settings - particularly in creative fields. Word on the street is it could be three or more years before this is available in the general consumer market (and as of right now, it’d be priced between $5000 and $10000. Ouch.).

Check out their website and demo videos here. More info and demos here.

Naturally, the timing of this announcement is just a little suspect, with Apple’s iPhone being released mere weeks from today (and Surface won’t be first emerging for sale to special people until “Winter 2007”.) Even so, it looks pretty awesome for what it is, and I especially appreciate the fusing of technology with an object as ubiquitous and familiar as the coffee table. Moving into the future, I imagine we’ll see more and more everyday objects being enhanced by technology - if not always such fancy schmancy interfaces.

Okay, I need to go wash my hands, now. That’s enough Microsoft love for at least a year.

Microsoft To Buy Yahoo!?

In light of this, on Techmeme

Apple
Google
Microsoft
Yahoo

Pick any two.
Pick one.
Put them in order.

To whom are you allegiant? Of whom are you afraid?

10 Signs You’re An Axe Murderer

1. You own a Windows PC
   Given that Windows controls 95% of the computer market, and a vast majority of axe murderers have computers for searching out their victims on MySpace, you’re much more likely to be an axe murderer who uses Microsoft Word than a MacHead (as crazy as they might be, it’s more of a crazy-weird, than crazy-homicidal). Sure, having Windows might not cause you to be an axe murderer, but it could work the other way around. Meaning, you, as an axe murderer might be inexplicably drawn to Windows. This is all there in the statistics - there should be no disputing this fact.
2. You own an axe
   Not necessary, but very possible.
3. Your mother is ugly
   That’s not really a sign. I’m just saying that. Dude, she is ugly.
4. You listen to any of the following bands:
   Phish, Dave Matthews Band, Radiohead, Widespread Panic, The Grateful Dead, U2
5. You are a vegan
   I mean seriously - eww. Meat eaters don’t kill with axes because they know they’ll be unable to salvage parts.
   
6. You have a MySpace account using your real name
   Because you are sly enough to know that young girls won’t “friend” you if you don’t seem real and sketchy. Plus, everyone knows that law enforcement pays no attention to MySpace.
7. You watched Gigli all the way through
   Dude, you know that’s just a major red flag. You could be more dangerous than Hitler.
   
8. When you were little, you had a goldfish named “Goldy”
   Or some other animal named whatever color it was. Major no-no if your list of pets includes one named “Blackie”
9. You’ve ever commented on a video on YouTube
   Creep. Copyright disrespecter. Pirate. Lost addict.
10. You have, have ever had, or know someone who has a LiveJournal
    ’nuff said.
    

Windows Genuine Lameness

Boy Microsoft, thanks for trying to slip in an installation of Windows Genuine Advantage this morning as an “update.” I’ve just heard so many great things about it. And how nice of you to tell me that the update is “optional” but give no way to stop it (short of closing the window and hoping it won’t stop the rest of the update). Add to this the fact that I had (or so I thought) disabled automatic updates, and this is one big pain in the...neck. Yeah, that’s where it hurts.

Oh Yeah, Vista Is Out.

I almost forgot about it, because it’s been five years of broken promises and major setbacks, but Windows’ brand new (but not quite as new as Apple’s last version of OSX that shipped in April 2005) operating system, called Vista is now available to consumers.

It is pronounced like “Fist-a” not “Feast-a,” and according to Microsoft, “The ‘Wow’ Starts Now.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t need it to wow, I just need it to work. And stay out of my way. Sadly, it doesn’t sound like this will be the case. I think I’ll stick with XP for now (at work, and on my Intel Mac when I’m feeling daring) until it is able to prove itself, particularly when it comes to security. I strongly suggest everyone does the same. Here is my advice: Wait until OSX Leopard is released this spring, buy a new Mac, and if you want, get a copy of Vista Home Premium (do NOT buy Home Basic under any circumstances!) and run it on the same machine. Then regret buying Vista and never run it ever again.

I will say this, though: I hope Microsoft does have a winner on its hands with Vista. For the sake competition, to drive Apple and others to innovate, and really, truly, for the sake of the world, which really doesn’t need another Windows Millenium Edition (I call that Windows Y2K for what it did to my college PC).

Ah, and if you get a chance to check it out and like it (or don’t), I’d love to hear from you.

Get Firefox Now! Please.

If you ever needed a reason to ditch Internet Explorer in favor of Mozilla Firefox (or even Opera), here is a great one as reported in the Washington Post:

For a total 284 days in 2006 (or more than nine months out of the year), exploit code for known, unpatched critical flaws in pre-IE7 versions of the browser was publicly available on the Internet. Likewise, there were at least 98 days last year in which no software fixes from Microsoft were available to fix IE flaws that criminals were actively using to steal personal and financial data from users.

And what about Firefox, you ask?

In contrast, Internet Explorer's closest competitor in terms of market share -- Mozilla's Firefox browser -- experienced a single period lasting just nine days last year in which exploit code for a serious security hole was posted online before Mozilla shipped a patch to remedy the problem.

Definitely read the rest of the article here, and take a look at this graphic, which helps illustrate the timeline very nicely.

When you’re ready (and you should be by the time you’ve finished reading this), you can make the switch here.

I Touched the Zune. Still Washing My Hands.

I can’t believe I haven’t yet mentioned that I have touched a Microsoft Zune. It happened at Target the Saturday following Thanksgiving. I happened to be browsing the electronics section, looking for some CD-R discs and a possible Christmas gift for my brother, when I saw it. It had its own little end-of-aisle display between the Nintendo Wii and one of the thousands of iPod docking stations available.

There was a family checking it out. The father seemed interested, and I had just seen a Target employee talking it up to them (clearly there is some employee incentive program related to selling the Zune). I thought it might be my duty to dissuade the family from a regrettable purchase.

My girlfriend was with me, and somehow without exchanging words, we knew what we had to do. Immediately we walked up to the display. “Is that the Zune? Oh man, it is HUGE. Jesus, that thing is ugly!” and so on. I touched it - touched the Zune. It was the black model, which, oddly, is not black, but an ugly muted, rubbery dark grey, with a weird ghost-like blue outline under the semi-transparent outer edges. The controls were weird, too, and I suppose with time one could get used to them, but in the moment I was flabbergasted that the circular pad didn’t scroll. I KNEW it wouldn’t, but I could not stop myself from trying. And then exclaiming, “Man this sucks, why won’t it scroll?” The whole time the family was standing there, watching and listening. (Yeah, I should’ve used cleaner language with kids around, I know - but this was serious.)

Then came the icing. Tina pulled out her brand-spankin’ new iPod Shuffle, which is like the size of four stacked quarters, and she held it up to the Zune. I’ve never seen jaws drop so low. The young daughter and her teenaged brother were like, “Whoa.” And the mother seemed pleased as well. “Is that the Shuffle?” she asked. “Oh yeah, it is awesome. And so small.” She was obviously pleased to see her children interested in something far less than $250. Her husband’s bubble seemed to burst audibly at her question. We smiled. Shook our heads at the Zune, and walked off. Still smiling.

Our work was done.

Related Posts

Hotdogs and Metaphor

Steve has a successful hotdog stand. Very successful, as a matter of fact. His stand sells over 106,000 hotdogs a day worldwide. These are simple hotdogs. They look and taste great, and offer all the essentials as far as hotdogs go - bun, ketchup, mustard, even sauerkraut and onions if you’d like. And they come in several sizes to suit your hunger. Steve is expecting to sell close to 20 million hotdogs in the Holiday quarter alone, because it is the time of year that family and friends get together and buy hotdogs for each other in a beautiful display of community.

Now, just when Steve is sitting pretty and reportedly enjoying sugar-plum fairy thoughts of extending his hotdog reign even further in the New Year by teaming up with wireless carriers like T-Mobile and Cingular, a challenger emerges.

This upstart isn’t exactly a New Kid on the Block, either. Bill, as our challenger is known, has a mega-successful hamburger business that puts Steve’s small beef operation to shame (at least when it comes to worldwide sales figures and market share), but his business has recently been plagued by the E-Coli bacteria and Mad Cow, and consumer trust in his brand has diminished. Bill hasn’t been too successful in the hotdog realm so far, but sees Steve’s continued dominance in this area to be a threat and wants to take a bite out of the very lucrative pie Steve has more-or-less created from scratch.

Seeing the holiday season approaching, Bill introduces his new product. It is a single hot-dog, equal in price and size to Steve's mid-sized frank, and includes all the requisite fixings. The wow factor - the thing that Bill hopes will push his dogs over the top - is a simple sharing feature. All customers of his hot dogs will be able to share their hotdogs with others who also have a Bill Dog. People are impressed with this innovation, simple as it may be, but in practice it fails to impress because there is just not a large enough customer pool to sustain it. It is simply too difficult to find someone with which to share. And even harder to find another individual with any sort of “taste,” after all. Further, it nearly goes without saying that the lack of a lower-priced, cocktail-sized frank (by far Steve's best selling dog) really hurts Bill’s chances. Given the commanding lead Steve has in this market, it is a real uphill battle for Bill, especially given the limits on the single innovation he brings to the field.

What, after all, could Bill do if Steve decided to add the sharing feature to his line of wieners? With the market penetration Steve currently has (and imagine after the holidays!) hardly a day goes by when one doesn’t see a dozen or more people on the street holding their Steve Dogs and bouncing along happily.

In the end, it seems as though Bill has made another misstep in his competition with Steve by introducing a new product and entering a new industry at a time when he might have been better off focusing on improving his other offerings and reclaiming his good name in the hamburger world.

How will this story end? Only time will tell.

What are your thoughts?

Reasons Not To Get A Zune This Christmas

I am back to work this morning after a three-day sick leave and boy am I glad. This week has been pretty awful, between the sickness, cutting my own toe with glass by scratching it with my other foot, my iBook dying last night (I think the hard drive failed), missing the TechCrunch party yesterday, and the Zune release. The only good things I have to go on are Jaeda finally being eliminated from America’s Next Top Model (though Caridee was in the bottom two, which really sucked!), and watching the movie Slither last night, which was awesome.

But speaking of the Zune, it is now time for all the reasons NOT to buy (or ask for) one this Christmas.

First, a little primer: This week Microsoft released their Zune music player in order to directly compete with Apple’s commanding lead in the personal audio market. They want some of that big, big pie that Apple made not too many years ago, and has, for the most part, kept all to itself. The Zune is the most recent in the long list of supposed “iPod Killers”, and honestly, if any company could kill the iPod, it would probably be Microsoft. But never fear Apple faithful - I simply do not see that happening anytime soon. But we haven’t reached the commentary phase yet. I am still being objective. So back to the point - what is the Zune? Simply put, it is a portable music player that comes with a 30GB hard drive. It has a three-inch color screen, plays video, shows your photos, and allows Wi-Fi transferring of songs to other Zune players nearby. The Zune comes in three colors - white, black, and brown, and is controlled by what looks like an iPod clickwheel, but is actually just four directional buttons on a circular disc. Microsoft has created the Zune Marketplace - like the iTunes Store - for purchasing your music (and later, movies). There is also jukebox/syncing software that lets you manage playlists and listen to music on your PC (it is not currently Mac-compatible). Oh, and FM radio, I guess. Woo.

Okay, enough of the unbiased discription. Now is where the review part of the review happens. (Disclosure: I do not have a Zune. I have not seen or touched one in person. If you want to send me one to do a more proper “review” please go right ahead. I can be contacted at kevinmichaelkeating AT gmail DOT com. What this means is I am speaking nothing but the truth. Buy a Zune at your own risk, but not after reading this review all the way through. If you don’t, you will regret it. And, even if you do read it, and decide “Hey, it doesn’t sound that bad,” you’ll probably regret it.

So here goes. I am now going to abandon paragraphs and things for the super-popular list format.

1. Brown? What?!! What kind of retro-hipster freaks are you targeting Brown to? Are you planning on making Zune the “Official Media Player of the UPS” for crying out loud?! Eww.
2. It is bigger than the current iPod (even compared to the 80GB version).
3. It is heavier than the current iPod (even compared to the 80GB version).
4. It has a shorter battery life than the current iPod (which doesn’t even begin to approach the 24-hour life of the new iPod Nano).
5. Crippled Wi-Fi sharing that restricts shared music to three plays or three days before deactivating and prompting you to purchase it. This applies even if you are the artist who recorded the song and want to share it with your Zune-carrying friends.

   Corollary to 5: Where are you going to find someone else with a Zune so that you can share? Are you seriously going to approach a stranger and try to send them the newest Timberlake tune? Do you want that random guy/girl on the subway to punch you in the face? (Worst pickup line of the new millenium: Is that a Zune in your pocket...) But seriously, for Microsoft to make the main feature of the device (the file sharing) something that relies completely on the device becoming ubiquitous is a major gamble. Without it, the Zune is basically a bigger, less pretty, and more socially irresponsible iPod.

6. What looks like a clickwheel ain’t a clickwheel. It is a multidirectional click pad (four poles, plus center) that works in a context-sensitive way. What does that mean? It means that you won’t always know what to push to do what you want. Sometimes left will go back a song, sometimes it might changes menus, sometimes it might vote for Al Gore. Not cool. And because you have to flip the player on its side to watch video, that means the directions switch by 90 degrees. Confused yet?
7. Wait, you have to turn it to watch videos?
8. Installing the Zune sucks.
9. You can’t use real money in the Zune Marketplace. You have to buy blocks of points (79 points equals 99 cents - easy conversion, right?) in increments of $10 (starting at $5 for 400 points). How much music do you have to buy to totally use up all your points? I won’t do the math, but the answer is: A lot.
10. The application crashes all the time.
11. If you buy a subscription plan (something like $15 a month lets you listen to unlimited tracks - though you can’t burn them to disc or keep them if you stop your subscription), certain tracks from what sounds like a lot of albums aren’t available. Meaning, you need to plop down at least five bucks to purchase the popular tunes individually. That is not cool. EDIT: I have no gripe about the subscription model - lots of places do it like that. But disabling certain songs unless you purchase them individually is not cool.
    
12. None of the songs you bought in the iTunes store are playable on the Zune.
13. None of the songs you bought for other players via Microsoft’s OWN PlayForSure format are playable on the Zune. This is absolutely insane.
14. It doesn’t have calendars, contacts, podcasts, notes, games, etc. Not that I use those, but for some people those things are big.
15. Lots of the album art is too small for the screen, and it looks bad when scaled.
16. No Mac support. I suppose it could work if you have a new one and can boot XP from it. But I’m not sure about that. This is an oversight that goes way beyond competition, and way beyond PC marketshare. There’s a lot of potential users (Zunies? Zunesters? Zuners? Zunesketeers?) who happen to use Macs at home, and may have older-gen iPods and looking for a replacement. And what about all the people who have recently switched to Mac after trying and loving an iPod? Doesn’t MS want to win them back? Guess not.
17. No small version. The iPod Nano is the biggest selling mp3 player, and the iPod didn’t really start to take off until the Mini was released. Why couldn’t Microsoft have developed a cute little device for the kiddies?
    
18. EDIT: No true smart playlists. Way to give power users the boot. I guess these are just ultra-hidden.

EDIT - I just read this on O’Reilly:

Feel uncomfortable with Microsoft's watching your every move in Zune? Opt out. Say "No." Stand up for your rights.

Unless you make the affirmative choice to keep Microsoft out, you are by default enrolled in Microsoft's "Zune Customer Experience Improvement Program." This program assumes you want to improve Microsoft's bottom line (and nosiness) by allowing it to monitor your Zune software usage.

There’s more, but for now I think that will suffice. Maybe if I actually try one out I’ll post some more thoughts. Ultimately, I think this is a case of too little - too late. Microsoft has introduced a less-functional, less powerful version of a mega-popular product, and included only one innovation that is seriously crippled to begin with! If they had truly wanted to compete with Apple for a share of the market, we should have seen a cool-looking device that offered more disk space with a slimmer profile, better syncing, more options and features, even cheaper music(!) and eliminated some of the crazy DRM that pisses me off about Apple from time to time. Instead MS has agreed to pay Universal a dollar for every Zune sold. Clearly they aren’t bending over backwards for the consumers (as Apple appears to do by fighting to keep prices stable) - it looks like the opposite, in fact.

Please don’t get anyone a Zune for Christmas. If they ask for one (which they might, poor souls), say it is too much money (which it is) and buy them something else cool. Then, sneak a fabulous iPod Shuffle in their stocking (only $79 and awesome! I’ve touched it, so I know.) Really. Don’t make this a bad Christmas for anyone.

Buying a Zune = Coal in your stocking next year and Baby Jesus Crying

If any of you lovely readers happen upon one, let me know what you think! Disagree? Let me have it in the comments!

Thanks to Engadget, TUAW, TechCrunch, Digg, David Pogue and lots of other sites and writers whose previews and reviews I’ve read and cite as influences of this post.

Quick Zune Awesomeness While I Am Recovering

“Buying a Zune is like shitting in your hand!”

IE7 Woes

I just downloaded Internet Explorer 7, which was released yesterday, against my better judgement, and I already hate myself for doing so.

The setup process has been a nightmare, and I have spent over an hour of precious work-time on it, to no avail. I’ve managed to install it correctly, restarted my computer, and launch the program. I can even browse to other websites and was able to un-install the Google Toolbar because IE7 makes it look like crap by loading lots of unorganized buttons all over the place. What I cannot do, however, is customize my settings using the page that tries to load when the application is opened. Several times the operation has simply timed out. And once it managed to get as far as displaying some text from the target page, albeit without any styles applied, and no little radio buttons to click. Then, of course, it froze the application. Microsoft’s own page. Nice job Microsoft. You are going to really confuse some people today. And really piss off some others.

I’ve played around with the Beta version of the browser on my brother’s computer, and hate the new placement of the reload and stop buttons, and the general look of the thing. My biggest peeve is in the gradient shading on the tabs. In particular, the way that the bright part of the gradient (which has a sharp line, in proper 2.0-style) aligns with the top of the text. Yes, the text is centered in the tab, but this exact alignment makes me go all buggy-eyed when trying to read it. I will try to get a picture of this to illustrate.
EDIT: I took a screen shot.


Now, maybe you are asking, “Why did you download it, then?” Well, at work, IE is the default browser, and my co-workers need it on this computer in case they feel like making up some shipments on the FedEx site (which is set as the homepage). And, allegedly, security will be better with this release, so that is important. Additionally, as I do a good deal of web design and development, testing on multiple browsers is crucial (Why? Because IE is not standards compliant and does freaky things). So, I must endure the Microsoft-ian beast for the near future.

Got a Microsoft hate story? Love story?! I’d like to hear it.

In closing,

Why is it still not working?!!

EDIT: 4:06 p.m. EST (six hours later), I just got it to work. And all it is is a page asking me to verify that I want to keep Google as my default search provider. Christ Almighty!